Cold Foldable Chairs and the Pursuit of a Fruitless Labor

7 Rules of Life: Smile, Be Kind, Don't Give Up, Don't Compare, Avoid Negativity, Make Peace With Your Past, Take Care Of Your Body & Mind

Photo by Mason Tovani

---

The Saturday before New Year's Eve I sat in my buddies' garage with another friend. To put it simply, the three of us are best friends and I can always depend on our conversations to be that of self reflection and motivation. We aren't sitting around every chance we get dropping Instagram-able quotes and mimicking the David Goggins' mindset of running until you get kidney failure. Although the guy makes some real 'set your soul on fire' points.

I called my buddy Matt earlier that day to see if he wanted to get together before I left for work to Chico the next morning. I hadn't seen him the entirety of my Christmas vacation, he works long hours and lives on his own time when he isn't. I've always respected him for that but it can be hard to get a hold of him.

He told me he had an overnight shift and we'd have to get together next time I was home. So I cued up the Warriors game and like many of the games this season, by the middle of the second quarter I was sinking into my chair, now sitting on my tailbone and my chin digging into my collarbone. I'll pay for that pain later. (God bless Jimmy Butler)

To make a long story short, Matt called and told me he quit his job. Done with the monotonous lifestyle that a hard hat, ear plug wearing and lack of sunlight factory job brings.

He lives on his own time. I respect him for it.

We called Hauser and within the hour I found myself sitting in his garage on a cold foldable chair staring at the same posters his dad has had up since we were kids, the chipped Beatles’ vinyl covers have never been played and the Oakland Raiders dart board that has seen some things. The stucco above and below it is proof.

Matt sat there with his AG1 juice, Hauser with his coffee despite it being 11 p.m. and getting one with me earlier that day. Originally Texas Hold 'Em was on the agenda, Hauser brought the poker set and Matt layed out the table. I didn't watch Rounders until two weeks later and when I thought I didn't know how to play before, I was completely turned around after Mike McDermott spots Teddy KGB's tell. Anyone care to explain the Oreo to the ear?

Instead, we talked (sigh of relief for me) for two hours. Bouncing our own bullshit off one another, me more than either of the two of them. It's the dynamic our friendship has survived on since 2012. Hauser listens and speaks when he feels the need, Matt is strong-willed and I am unsure of myself.

The details of our extensive conversation aren't important. What it boiled down to was something I was unwilling to accept that night, for three reasons. I was ready to go home, I was not properly dressed for the cold and I just didn't want to hear it.

What my buddies inspired in me was made more clearly in a YouTube video by Brian Pruett, titled 'How to Become the Man Your Future Needs'. No B-C-D's. No blaming, no complaining, no defending.

Blaming takes away fault. It removes you from the situations you have placed yourself in. Giving power and credence to being a victim in the story you write.

Complaining breeds negativity. There is never one bad thing you want to get off your chest, it is never one person who pisses you off at work or at the gym or on the road. Tommy Newberry sums it up perfectly in his book 'The 4:8 Principle.' He says, "as long as you are going to drop the thought eventually, why not drop it from the start."

Defending the ego as Pruett puts it, is letting go of the need to win arguments, to not exhaust oneself about how others perceive you and resting at the freedom of not feeling like you have to prove who you are to anyone else.

I found it too simplistic to ever go into a new year saying 'this is what I will live by.' Scoffing at the idea of those having a mantra to fall back and keeping them disciplined. But dammit that's that complaining creeping in, when it has been forged and nurtured, it is a difficult pattern to break free of.

No B-C-D! I just ran 10 miles earlier this week and by mile seven I was talking out loud just to keep myself from succumbing to the thoughts of 'I can stop right now, it's ok.' Pretty sure when I passed through the downtown plaza I was fitting in with the crowd around me.

Normally Oasis' best tracks are playing in my headphones. Mostly Liam Gallagher's gritty and wailing ballads, that sound like he is going to need a Halls cough drop when he steps away from the mic, overtake Noel's often slow, melodic lyrics. Both have the same F-you attitude. They have bad haircuts, obstinate personalities and egos that have existed in the ether long past their glory days.

Now I am not saying I want to be like the brothers who led the English rock scene in the '90s. But I'll take inspiration anywhere it comes from. They don't apologize for who they are or what they've done yet you can't help but admire their brassy convictions. Because if they aren't authentic it doesn't work.

That confidence of self. Some people think you're born with it and envy those who can walk into a room and garner attention. Hauser has that ability. A charismatic charm that he's perfected by amalgamating sarcasm with seriousness.

But it's who he is. He doesn't have to check his phone in social settings when no one is talking to him, never tries too hard to break the ice and he's never wavered on the idea that you got to take him or leave him as he is. Anyone who has been around him opts for the former.

He reminds me of Puddy from Seinfeld, Elaine's monotone on-again, off-again boyfriend. More specifically the episode where he sits on the plane, eyes squinted and straight ahead. No book to read, no music to listen to, just "being." Elaine was irate of his decision and Puddy, to put it plainly, he tells her, deal with it.

That's Hauser. Deal with it.

It's what I have been in pursuit of. I can go to a coffee shop and sit for hours by myself, cozy up in the corner seat of the movie theater solo and be in the comfort of my own thoughts when I've grown tired of the options Netflix has to offer.

But unlike Hauser, I am many times twisted in the trap of defending the ego. What are those around me thinking of me? Is the zit on my chin off-putting? I keep my hand over it as if I'm a character in deep thought, stroking the stubble on my face. (Seriously, at 23 I still can't grow a beard?)

The saying goes, 'when the student is ready to learn the teacher will appear.' There was no singular teacher, some "teachers" were physical (friends, family, books) and others came from active and purposeful thought and prayer.

Taking you through the habits I have made a staple of my life the last three months step-by-step will sound preachy. Who am I to stand on a soapbox and say that one size fits all or that I have it all figured out because I was hit with an 'aha' moment.

Because the truth is, all the underlined sentences and notes in the margins of the books I have recently read, the daily exercise and the way of thinking I am forcing myself to wake up with until it becomes second nature are a culmination of years of misguided behavior.

If you looked through my Snapchat memories every summer of high school, it would be flooded with IPhone 6 quality pictures of the weights in my parents' garage and the random bowl of oatmeal that I captioned "road to 150 pounds." Only to quit on the work when it required more out of me than I was willing to give.

I'm rambling, so stick with me because this is my first blog. I promise I'm getting to my place in all of this.

For the better part of two years I have improperly placed my happiness in that of others.

Validation seeking and people pleasing to give myself reassurance that I was headed in the right direction.

Rather, I was in reverse at 50 miles per hour with my hands off the wheel.  (I won't pretend that I was in a freefall, so 50 seems appropriate)

A string of failed talking stages was the main culprit of my spiritual and emotional growth, which in turn led to physical growth. I vented to friends constantly, "she said this and did that," "I swear that I played it perfectly," yada yada yada... you get it.

Here I was again caught in the act of blaming, complaining and defending.

No way it was my fault. (Blaming)

Now I move forward with no lessons to learn from.

She was always doing x, y and z. (Complaining)

Now I'm not reminding myself to never judge the action without knowing the intention.

What will she think of me when this is all over? (Defending)

Why am I placing the opinions of others I've known a short time over those of the people who know me best?

My grandfather sent us grandkids a series of emails before he had a stroke in 2019. Until this year I never looked at them.

When the student is ready to learn the teacher will appear.

Zealously, I became a student in search of myself and while I'd love to take credit for his words I won't, but I will leave you with them.

It is important to realize that our vocation is hidden in where we are and who we are. We will never find our vocations by trying to figure out whether we are better or worse than others. We are good enough to do what we are called to do.

The incomparable Matthew Kelly wrote in the ‘Rhythm of Life,’ that knowing who we are (strengths, weaknesses, needs, talents and desires) and what we are here for (to become the-best-version-of-ourselves) is that knowledge that liberates us from the modern enslavement of a life of meaningless and gives our lives back to us once more.

It is not my job, nor within my right to tell you how I wish this resonates with you or how you choose to incorporate those words into your existence, in the loudest and quietest moments. 

The most I can do is urge us to live a life of less comparison. The most I can do is stress the detriment we all give way to when we equate our purpose with a return from the world that can be measured and flaunted to others. Here we remain bound to seeking approval and acceptance. 

So what do we do when it becomes too tiring and we end up beaten down, working toward a fruitless labor?

Deal with it.